"One: Buy condoms. Buy them and keep them with you at all times, and use them before you are asked to use them. And use them every time. The peace of mind you allow your partner will free her to be vulnerable with you, and that, my son, is exactly what sex is about. Condoms are sexy. In fact, call buying condoms foreplay.
(Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)
Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.
Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.
Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.
Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own.
(Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)
Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.
Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.
Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.
Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.
Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.
Dylan: Did you know that here at Hogwarts we got this really fucking cool swimming pool?
Nick: He’s why we had to edit the show. (x)
(Source: jaimelyncupcake, via justbelievinginmagic)
fuck this shit
it is entirely inconsistent with elizabeth’s character for her to drop everything (PIRATE KING thank you very much) to raise a child as a landlubber
give me elizabeth, eight months pregnant, still running the show from shipwreck cove
give me elizabeth and her six-year-old
son cabin boy kicking ass and taking names as they outrun the royal navy
give me elizabeth, instead of waiting for will, sailing out to meet him
give me elizabeth dying at sea four years and one week later and signing aboard the flying dutchman to the shock of its captain
give me elizabeth and will co-captaining the dutchman and sailing the seas beyond the edge of the world for eternity together
give me young billy (i’m forced to assume they, as pirates, are unimaginative when it comes to names) telling the story of william turner, who gave up everything for the woman he loved, and elizabeth swann, who took it back with sword and pistol
something always bothered me about that ending and now I know what it was god bless
At first I was going to be upset (sorry its not personal I take my POTC very seriously.) and say there’s no proof any of those things didn’t happen, but then it got really good and I want that badly.